Hope, I hour at a time.
For someone whose day job is to have hope where others have thought there is none I’m struggling at the moment.
In AP its important we have relentless hope on behalf of those who often come across as having the least promise. We are ambitious for and on behalf of our students and take each day as renewed optimism in what is possible. A smile from someone who has looked at the floor for 6 months, staying in the classroom for someone who has previously refused to engage in learning and a polite conversation or hello are all signs of hope that spur us on in AP to believe in more.
At the moment I feel more hopeless than optimistic and am frustrated by my lack of motivation. I’m naturally a doer, like to be in control and always have a plan. The anxiety that hits me by surprise on a regular basis throughout the day punches me in the stomach and makes me stop still with a whoa. It’s so physical. My Duvet is all I can think about after that and with every part of me I want to retreat and ride this storm out with it. But I’m not giving in to that again and simply lean in to the anxiety.
At the suggestion of Emma Kell, I am learning to have hope 1 hour at a time. Days are too long. I’m going for the fresh start every hour and it’s beginning to work.
The to do list and potential plan is there to be slotted into hours during the day if I can manage. Some hours are lost to the anxiety or pacing. The hours don’t need to last an hour. If I start something and through lack of motivation or distraction I give up, I go with the discomfort and start again during another hour or save it for one of my hours tomorrow.
I love this new feeling of hope by the hour. I can give my hours away – to playing Risk, making dinner or just sitting. It’s forcing me to slow down and think about the small steps each day hour by hour. My hours have potential.
Even the Duvet has an hour during the day.