#MonthlyWritingChallenge: Journeys – an anonymous blog

The Journey You Took Me On

I wasn’t ready for you and I wasn’t expecting you. The moment I saw you I veered very steeply off the road and landed on a different path. A path that took me to the most magical and scariest places I have only ever read about in books. The moment it happened my true journey began and I’ve never regretted a single day of it.

Freedom

The conversation that changed everything. Are we free to make the decision we want to make? We discovered this in more ways that we could have ever imagined. The decisions we took, the places we went and the times we had. Were we ever free to enjoy them? To embrace them and to truly discover ourselves in these moments? We would argue, as we did that day, that we were free to enjoy and we were free to choose but the extent of this freedom we can both agree on is that there just wasn’t enough.

Make it worth my while

We were bound by constraints our whole time together. Time constraints filled us with both ecstatic joy and immense sadness as we had to make each minute count, and fill each second with conversation, laughter and silence. You made it worth my while each and every single time and I know I did the same, despite the arguments that you were in fact wasting time.

As we journeyed together we knew how to make it count, we treasured the moments as if it was our last and even when it was our last we didn’t dwell on it. Every second was treasured and so my heart was filled with more love than with each passing day. I could never regret a single thing as you made it count, you made me count and you made me who I am.

Unknown

We never knew where we were going and even if we were going together side by side. The years we spent together were side by side but in different modes of transport heading the same way and following the signs together. We were never together in the way we needed to be and stealing the moments were the hardest to contend with.

There are many things I do know though. I know where you are and I know who you are. I know you, probably better than I know myself. I know myself through you and it’s thanks to you I know where I need to go. The problem though is I don’t know how to get there without you but I’ll keep going anyway as I want to make you proud of me as you always were.

Shine

You made me shine and I made you shine. We elevated one another as we went down our paths of discovery as friends, lovers and soul mates. I always said you were my person and when I looked to you I saw where I needed to be but sadly, who I needed to be with. I say sadly because this realisation meant that it could not be with you as we went our separate ways. I watched you drive off in your own direction and this time I could not follow you.

You continue to shine through me and I through you. The bond we made will never be broken and our fire will never go out. This we know, among the many things we do not know.

I miss you!

#MonthlyWritingChallenge: Journeys – Part 2

I have always associated the journeys I go on with suitcases, rucksacks, packing up the car, getting on a flight and travelling to a new place. The journeys I have been on are physical experiences: backpacking in Peru, whitewater rafting in Brazil, jungle trekking in Ghana, walking the coastline in Thailand.

But more recently my journeys have become more internal. The journeys I have experienced in the last few years have been emotional journeys, personal journeys, journeys into my inner world, rather than journeys to experience the external world.

For me journeys have become a series of choices. As one door shuts, another door opens. As I take one step forward, I often take a step back and sometimes a step sideways.

My choices are decisive but I am agile, quick to pivot and adjust. No choices are finite, another choice can always be made to change directions mid-journey.

It is looking like my passport will be stamp free for 2020, which is most likely the first year where I have not physically travelled, but the emotional journey I have been on in the last few months has in fact been as impactful as any other journey I have experienced.

My journey has been one of thinking, reading, writing, talking and listening. A journey of being coached and of coaching others.

If anyone is feeling lost, I recommend having some coaching, I also recommend writing, be it blogging or journaling to process your thoughts and feelings. The act of putting pen to paper has become a sense making process for me.

Some of the choices I have made and the journey it has taken me on include:

June 2016 – I chose to accept a Headship and start a new school from scratch.

February 2017 – I chose to relocate to another part of the country.

April 2017 – I chose to become an Executive Headteacher of a second start-up school.

October 2017 – I chose to step-down from the #WomenEd steering group.

January 2018 – I chose to be the Co-Founder of #DiverseEd and create a new space.

January 2019 – I chose to buy a house down the road from the schools I led.

March 2019 – I chose to resign from Headship and walk away when my values were compromised.

June 2019 – I chose to go to South America for 2 months and find the silver lining.

September 2019 – I chose to take a demotion and a pay cut to work in a university.

October 2019 – I chose to share my story of Gardening Leave with other school leaders.

January 2020 – I chose to resign from the university role and seek a new opportunity.

March 2020 – I chose to go independent and work freelance, during a global pandemic!

April 2020 – I chose to train to be a coach and join a community of practice.

June 2020 – I chose to flip #DiverseEd into a virtual event and increase our reach.

July 2020 – I chose to pilot the #FastForwardDiversityInclusion webcast with Isa.

15 pivotal choices that have taken me on a fascinating journey and brought me to where I am today. For someone who usually has a life plan, a map, goals for where I am going to be and what I am going to be doing for the next 3-5 years I have gone with my gut and followed my heart for each decision.

The irony is that I am the happiest and the most at peace I have ever been. Throwing caution to the wind, tearing up the map, and journeying inwards rather than outwards has served me. The pause for Covid-19, the slower pace, the time and space I have had to reflect and explore have given me the opportunity to really think about Who I Am and What I Do.

My core values of Passion and Purpose have been woven together and my day job has become being paid to do what I love.

#MonthlyWritingChallenge: Journeys – an anonymous blog

The Oxford English dictionary defines journey as:

‘an act of travelling from one place to another, especially when they are far apart’.

Over the past 12 months I have been on a journey on an emotional rollercoaster. This time last year I was employed at an executive level in a job I enjoyed and was good at. I had a fantastic salary and what I thought was great job security. For reasons that I cannot discuss, mostly as they are too painful, I took a severance package.

To say the last 12 months has been hard on my mental health is an understatement. I felt like my whole identity had been taken from me. If I wasn’t the boss, if I couldn’t support my family, if I didn’t have a job what was my use?

Then Covid-19 happened, the world changed and now I was in the same boat as many thousands of people. No job, no way of earning money and no end in sight. Well-meaning family and friends tried to ease my pain by telling me ‘it is ok as there are lots of people feeling the same.’ But is it ok for me, just because there are people feeling the same or worse? How does their plight make me feel better? Yes, I agree there are many people who struggle more than me, they worry about how they will feed their children, pay the bills etc. I wasn’t in that situation, far from it, but it still hurt. Psychologists who have studied this ‘Other people have it far worse’ advice say that this only makes the situation worse. I was ashamed about my situation and now had added guilt to my feelings. People had it worse, what right did I have to feel the way I did?

I busied myself home schooling my two boys, I enjoyed it and it gave me purpose but it wasn’t the same. I am searching for a new job and have had a few interviews. My feedback has included ‘you answered the questions correctly but with no confidence’ ‘you came across as too vulnerable’ ‘you gave little eye contact and didn’t command the room’. I can agree with most of their comments but how do you get a job when you have little confidence in your abilities due to a major life setback?

I can see light at the end of the tunnel and am still applying for jobs. I have support from people around me and I’m going to keep knocking on the door until an opportunity opens for me. If a journey is an act of traveling from one place to another then I have been on one hell of a journey. Each day is another peak or trough on the rollercoaster but I don’t want to get off. 

#MonthlyWritingChallenge: Journeys – a blog by @Kat_F76

2020 has been a year of journeys – not the type I had envisaged and certainly not the type I would want to repeat!   However, each journey does bring a special something that is worth holding onto.

Those that know me well know I love a quotation to reflect on and gain strength from.  So, here goes… God loves.  God guides.  

‘The Lord will protect you…’  Psalm 127:8.  

I am sure I am not alone in questioning these beliefs, particularly during these unprecedented times.  As I worked my way through active treatment for breast cancer this year, I had a profound experience that highlighted just how much the light does shine in the dark.  

Receiving chemotherapy during Covid-19 was an incredibly lonesome experience.   It was almost like entering a morgue with staff covered from head to toe in PPE and patients reacting of fear, uncertainty and also a sense of gratitude to be still receiving treatment.    People were meticulously trying to abide by the government guidance on social distancing which was tricky when medication is being administered for prolonged periods of time.

There is one particular Wednesday I wanted to reflect on.  On this day I was welcomed and settled into the treatment area really nicely.  I was calm and focused on getting through the day.  Then, things took an unexpected turn for the worst.  I felt incredibly unwell.  I had never known anything like it.  I thought I was going to instantly combust and die.  This is no exaggeration!   The nurses swooped around me.   There were panicked sounds as the area was cleared and the curtains pulled round me.    I am so very grateful for what happened inside the unsociable distant cocoon.   Gloves were off.  Reassurance was given.  Tears were wiped.  I was brought back to a safe place.   I was terrified and just about managed to whisper ‘What is happening to me?’ Amanda sat down with me and stroked my arm for ages.  I could feel she didn’t have her gloves on.  She told me I would be okay.  

This emotional journey taught me so much about there being a light in darkness.   Whether you are a believer or not, I invite you to flip the bad / dark journeys on their head and focus on a special something such as acts of kindness that may have been demonstrated.  

There is always good – even in bleak situations!  

An original photo by Kat

#MonthlyWritingChallenge: Journeys – Part 1

noun. an act of travelling from one place to another.

verb. travel somewhere.

Journeys we have been on… Journeys we are on… Journeys we will go on…

Physical journeys, mental journeys, emotional journeys, virtual journeys and metaphoric journeys are a theme of our lives.

Journeys we have been on:

Places we have been, paths we have walked and adventures we have taken conjure up so many memories for me. Facebook reminds me regularly of my trips – today’s memory is of Croatia 3 years ago, a few days ago it was Thailand 6 years ago and the last few weeks it has been bringing back memories of my travels in South America last summer. Going on journeys has always been a carrot for me: I work hard to travel far and wide. My summers have always been about escapism and seeing the world, discovering places I have never been before.

Journeys we have been on also include the paths we have walked, the relationships we have had, and the things we have accomplished. My career journey was linear for a very long time, it was a ladder that I climbed methodically to get higher up each rung. Last year I flung myself off the top of the ladder and held my breath until I found out where I was going to land, how safely I would land and who would catch me to prevent too many breaks. I was bruised, but those bruises have healed.

Journey Quotes (1913 quotes)
Journey we have been on…

Journeys we are on:

For me, journeys are fuelled by wonder, awe and curiosity. For someone who is a planner and a bit of a control freak, I enjoy the sense of adventure of going on journeys where everything is not planned. I know where I am going, when I am arriving and when I am leaving, but I leave the details to unfold. This for me is part of the adventure.

The journey I am currently on is unexpected in many ways, but it feels like it is right at the same time. Since going independent on May 1st, there has been a feeling of momentum propelling me forward. The irony of lockdown is that physically this journey is all taking place in my house, in my head and my heart, through my laptop and my phone.

I have been on a journey through coaching this year too. I am soon to qualify as a Resilient Leaders Elements coach. Training to coach involves being coached too, and the group coaching model, buddy coaching model and 1:1 hinge conversations has helped me process everything that has happened and is changing in my life. I was self-aware anyway, but the model of seeing ourselves through the lens of ‘who I am’ and ‘what I do’ has heightened my sense of self awareness and made it more acute. The journey we walk with ourselves internally, is as interesting and insightful, as the journey we walk with others externally.

New Journey Quote | Quote Number 975613 | Picture Quotes
Journeys we are on…

Journeys we will go on:

Lost of journeys have been cancelled in the last few months as a result of the pandemic. A belated trip to Paris with a friend for my 40th, a trip to Krakov with another friend took a hit. My best friend who lives in Canada was due to come and visit too, I have missed our annual catch up. I hope to be able to rebook all of these journeys in the future.

This summer is the first summer I have not been away. I miss the ritual of packing, going to the airport and getting on a flight. There is something magical about airports and something cathartic about flying that restores me. In August I was due to be in Rwanda and Uganda for our next Action Aid project, and I am hoping that this journey will now take place in August 2021 instead. In the Spring I am due to travel to the UAE to do some work in Dubai and Abu Dhabi, I am hoping those journeys will take place too.

I do wonder sometimes if we become more focused on the destination than on the journey we are on. One thing I have definitely learned and reflected on in the last few years as that there is not one path laid out for us – life is a series of crossroads and options, each option is a choice. But when we make these choices they are not finite and we can change our minds.

Learn to Trust the Journey | Journey quotes, Learning to trust, Wisdom  quotes
Journeys we will go on…

So today’s theme for our first #MonthlyWritingChallenge is an opportunity for us to reflect on the journeys we have been, the journeys we are on and the journeys we will go on. We look forward to reading your reflections. Perhaps that first step is leaning in to putting pen to paper, fingers to key pad and to journey into our heads and hearts to share our stories.

Best Journey Quotes - Because Life is about the Journey
Journeys we will go on…

NourishEd: Dreams and Desires

Dream

Noun. a series of thoughts, images, and sensations occurring in a person’s mind during sleep; a cherished aspiration, ambition, or ideal.

Verb. experience dreams during sleep; indulge in daydreams or fantasies about something greatly desired.

“A dream is a succession of images, ideas, emotions, and sensations that usually occur involuntarily in the mind during certain stages of sleep. The content and purpose of dreams are not fully understood, although they have been a topic of scientific, philosophical and religious interest throughout recorded history”.

Desire

Noun. a strong feeling of wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen.

Verb. strongly wish for or want (something).

“Desire is the emotion of longing or hoping for a person, object, or outcome. The same sense is expressed by words such as “craving”. When a person desires something or someone, their sense of longing is excited by the enjoyment or the thought of the item or person, and they want to take actions to obtain their goal”.

I am a dreamer. I dream at night and I dream in the day. I dream in technicolour. My dreams are cinematic and lifelike. My dreams are vast and limitless.

But what do my dreams reveal about my desires? Are my dreams my sub-conscious and passive? Or are my desires my conscious and more active?

Dreams and desires need courage. Courage brings them to life.

“All our dreams can come true if we have the courage to pursue them”.

Walt Disney

I am a dreamer, but I am also a doer. I get frustrated by people who share their dreams and their desires, but they do not do anything about making them a reality. We all know those people in our lives who can talk a good talk, they are good with their words, they are compelling in their vision but they do not walk the walk to make it happen. Their mission is incomplete, it is hanging in mid-air. 

“A journey of a thousand miles must begin with a single step”.

Lao Tzu

Our dreams do not suddenly come true. Our desires do not suddenly manifest themselves. Our dreams and our desires need time, energy, attention and resource. They need to be brought to life. They need enacting.     

A good friend and soul sister of mine has become an accountability partner and we have coined a mantra that we both mirror back to each other. It is simply: “Getting shit done”. Pardon my French, but I think it will resonate.

To fulfil our dreams and our desires, we need action. Our dreams and our desires are alive, they are active, and they need our commitment. As we sow each seed, we then need to create and maintain the conditions for growth. Our seeds need nurturing, our garden needs cultivating, then we can harvest, not before. 

“Our truest life is when we are in dreams awake”.

Henry Thoreau

So, it is all well and good thinking about what we want to do, what we want to achieve, what we want to change, but we need to be deliberate, intentional and purposeful to realise our dreams and desires. We need to change the lens through which we view our dreams and desires; we need to reframe our commitment to making things happen. 

“Intense, burning desire is the motivational force that enables you to overcome any obstacle and achieve almost any goal”.

Brian Tracy

We need to project manage our dreams and desires like we do every other aspect of our lives. As women we organise, we manage and we serve – quite often everything except for ourselves! We need to apply those principles to this aspect of our life too.

That “series of thoughts, images, and sensations” need to be brought together. We need an action plan, we need to set goals, milestones and success criteria. We need to be active, reflective and evaluative as we create a sequence of intentional activity.   

Here are some practical tips to get started:

  1. Visioning: creating a vision board a good way to start is with. Building a collage of everything we dream about – at night and in the day. Putting our intentions out to the universe.
  2. Affirming: bringing those dreams to life through a daily affirmation, a commitment to ourselves. Articulating in writing what you want and verbalise them regularly.
  3. Journalling: exploring our dreams and our desires in writing helps us to make sense of what we are thinking about. Looking for patterns and meaning. Listening to the messages. 
  4. Articulating: talking opens and honestly with close friends and loved ones about what we dream and desire, enables others to help us fulfil our potential and realise the abstract.
  5. Reviewing: reflecting on our progress, celebrating out progress and reviewing what is and what is not working will keep us focused on our goals.

We should not let anyone place limits on our dreams and desires, including ourselves. Our dreams and desires are valid.  Our dreams and our desires need voice and agency.

“No matter where you are from. Your dreams are valid”.

Lupita Nyong’o

As a future-focused and solutions-focused person another reframe is the tense through which we think about and talk about our dreams and desires which can be a subtle shift in mindset. The language we use is important, so it needs to be intentional too.

I dream about… I desire… is a waiting game.

I wish… I want… is a power game.

Let’s stop musing and let’s start doing. For each statement extend it by adding “so I will…”

I dream about writing… so I will set up a blog.

I wish I could meet a partner… so I will join an online dating site.

I want to lose weight… so I will go on a health kick.

Even then the action is finite and needs expanding with a commitment:

I dream about writing… so I will set up a blog… and I will commit to writing weekly.

I wish I could meet a partner… so I will join an online dating site… and I will commit to regularly meeting new people and going on dates.

I want to lose weight… so I will go on a health kick… and I will commit to doing the Couch to 5k this month.

Whatever it is you are wishing for or wanting, by adding an “I will” statement and by making a commitment for what you are going to do about it is that step towards making it happen. 

“Most people fail, not because of lack of desire, but, because of lack of commitment”.

Vince Lombardi

Let’ stop waiting. Whether we are waiting for permission, waiting for an answer, waiting for an offer.

Let’s stop “wanting to have something or wishing for something to happen” and let’s take control and make it happen! Let’s not only own, but also let’s realise our dreams and desires.

Let’s get shit done.

#DailyWritingChallenge Day 7: Gratitude – an anonymous blog

Gratitude does not replace anger,

repress sadness

or quash guilt.

Instead they all sit side by side,

And the voices of all must be heard,

And the voices of all are significant.

The voices of all are significant.

To end the day with gratitude is to remember the whole of it,

not just the last, worst, or most extreme part.

It honours that cup of tea you had this morning,

And that phone conversation

And that sandwich,

And that woman who smiled at you in the street.

That woman who smiled at you in the street.

Gratitude is a shield against existential dread,

And protection from cosmic angst.

It holds back the tide of cynicism,

restrains the strength of anxiety,

And foils the plans of self-pity.

Gratitude is essential to the millennial first aid kit.

Essential to the millennial first aid kit.

#DailyWritingChallenge Day 6: Friendship – an anonymous blog

I met her on the swings.  “That man’s hair’s going grey!” I shrieked gleefully pointing at her Dad.  My own, embarrassed, apologised profusely, which of course meant they were chatting, which of course meant we could also chat, which of course meant that we were now friends.  As the youngest in my family, I’d dreamed of a friend who was younger than me.  Finally, here she was: two years old to my three.  I remember proudly testing her new shoes, squashing the toe like a professional, declaring in a confident voice, “Yes, they do fit.”  Once we’d established that our birthdays were on the same day, it was fixed: we were now best friends for life.

We met up most weekends, spending hours on the climbing frame with parents watching casually on from the side.  Once we managed to persuade our parents that we no longer needed supervision, we’d sit on the swings eating penny sweets bought with the coppers I’d stolen from the money jar in my kitchen.  We’d run through the estate (where we weren’t technically allowed to go but she was sure her Mum wouldn’t mind, and I was sure mine would never find out), and enter Jays Off Licence where a morbidly obese man balanced on a tiny stool next to his snarling Alsatian behind the counter, while we picked out our winnings.  We spent days in Topshop Oxford Circus, tasting every flavour of the new, free Innocent Smoothie tasters and trying on outrageously colourful outfits in the changing rooms.  We passed hours in Camden, wearing sarongs and vintage vest tops and sat by the lock thinking we were just about the coolest in the world.

That friendship persevered through the time she came to my nursery and I didn’t play with her because I already had friends; through my huge birthday parties that she hated on account of her intense shyness; through her coming to my school and hating it, only to leave weeks later; through her being significantly better than me at swimming; through my trying to convert her first to Christianity then to environmentalism; through her entering puberty before me and becoming both bigger than me and more self-conscious. 

When she was 16, she stopped eating and started wearing all black.  She stopped meeting up with me, telling me she was stressed about school work.  At 17, we went to Glastonbury together, but after fifteen cups of coffee and zero mouthfuls of food, she woke me in the night hysterical and telling me the tent was being burnt down.  We left a day early.

When she was 18, I only saw her once.  She told me she’d been drinking; that she easily downed two bottles of wine in a night, and that this happened a couple of times a week.  At 21, she told me her parents had divorced and she no longer called them Mum and Dad, she called them by their first names.  It was cold, like they were strangers to her now.  Her new hobby was clubbing in Berlin by herself, she told me.

After years apart, she arrived at my 30th birthday party, still all in black, thin and with skin as pale as marble despite being part Nigerian.  What freaked me out most was that she had a different nose.  Long, pointed, unnatural.  She seemed so fragile underneath the cool, socially easy exterior.  It was as if she had tried to erase all vestiges of her former self from her body.   The full figure she’d started out with.  Her broad, flat nose.  Her tanned skin.  I felt scared; repulsed even, by the transformation.  As she stood on the step, I barely recognised her.  I’m ashamed to say that after that, I didn’t reply to her messages. 

“One of the realities we’re all called to go through is to move from repulsion to compassion and from compassion to wonderment.” (Mother Teresa)

#DailyWritingChallenge Day 5: Resilience – an anonymous blog

Now I understand: success is not measured by external factors – grades, exams, earnings; 

Success is measured by resilience. 

The greater the effort in

and the greater the resilience shown,

the greater the achievement,

the greater the success. 

2006: aged 17.  It’s her first time behind the wheel of a car, on a hilly campsite in Cornwall with her mum.  The car starts to move and she panics and presses all the pedals, revving the engine, causing a cloud of smoke to appear from the rear and engulf them all, and her Dad appears out of the tent shouting something she can’t hear with his arms waving and her mum is shouting…

2007: aged 18.  Her first real driving lesson (she got a Saturday job in a clothes shop she hates to pay for it).  She crawls through Dulwich without leaving first gear.  25 driving lessons later and Jeff has had enough and passed her over to a colleague.  Mark makes her go round and round Peckham, telling her repeatedly how badly she’s driving and that she’s, “Nowhere near ready to take a test.”  She tells him she quits.

2011: aged 22.  Starting again with a new instructor and a new city.  She’s quarried the depths of her overdraft to pay for 35 more lessons and 3 tests in as many months.  Failed all of the them because 1) she didn’t stop at a stop sign 2) her reverse around a corner was too wide 3) she woke up that morning dreaming she ran somebody over during the test and was on trial for murder … then on the way to the test she nearly crashed into a huge lorry when merging onto the ring road.  Can’t even remember why she failed, except that by the time the test started, she was a quaking bundle of nerves.  She quits again and moves back to London.

2016: aged 27.  A woman this time – called Farida.  She loves her warmth as they drive around NW London.  Farida laughs when she makes mistakes, which makes her less anxious.  Most of her salary changes hands.  After another 20 lessons, she takes another test.  The tester has to grab the wheel half way through as she nearly collides with a lorry and then over-compensates and nearly falls off the road into a ditch.

2017: aged 28.  Her friend’s Dad spends a week helping out: he makes her reverse round and round a car park.  As a statement of trust, he puts his daughter, his wife and his Dad in the back and tells her to drive them to Wales.  If she crashes now, she will literally wipe out 3 generations of his family. 

A week later, she takes another test.  When the tester says, “Pass” she starts crying and feel like her spine gives way as she crumbles forwards into the steering wheel.

After that, she borrows a car and drives all the way from London to Cornwall alone, just to prove to herself that she really can.  She gets given a rusty, old car and spends the entire contents of her bank account insuring it.  She can drive.  She can drive!  She drives to Edinburgh, to Manchester, to Sussex and all around London.  She learns to hate the M25 and to lean her arm out of the window in a nonchalant act of dominance that makes others let her into traffic.  Of everything she’s done in life, this is the achievement she is most proud of.

Now I understand: success is not measured by external factors – grades, exams, earnings; 

Success is measured by resilience. 

The greater the effort in

and the greater the resilience shown,

the greater the achievement,

the greater the success. 

#DailyWritingChallenge Day 4: Guilt – an anonymous blog

I’m 6 years old.  It’s Sunday morning.  For weeks now I’ve been feeling I’m not that keen on church – all the other children know each other because they all go to a Christian school.  Dolphin School it’s called.  I always wonder why.  Doesn’t sound like a Christian school.  I feel left out. 

That morning I decide to try out something my friend Zara always does because she doesn’t like school.  She says she doesn’t feel well.  She says she has a headache.  I can’t bring myself to lie so blatently as all that so I persuade myself that I really do have a headache and a sore throat and feel tired.  For once my parents listen and my big sister stays at home with me. 

So my parents and other sister head off in the car and we stay behind.  My big sister says we can go outside.  Shouldn’t I stay in if I’m ill? I ask.  Why? she says.  I’ll wrap you up in a rug.  I’ll wrap you up so tight.  I’ll make you snug as a bug in a rug.  The joy of rhyming swings it.  So we go outside and she wraps me up in a blanket like a big sausage roll on the grass.  I take off my jumper and hang it over the climbing frame and we play for a while in the blanket.  She rolls me over and over.  I laugh and laugh.  Snug as a bug in a rug! I chime, Snug as a bug in a rug. 

Let’s go inside before the others get back so they don’t find out, I suggest.  Still worried at the back of my mind.  Niggling guilt.  We go inside and remember the blanket but forget the jumper.  It’s still outside swinging over the climbing frame right in front of the back door for everyone to see.  Mum and Dad get back.  You don’t seem too ill, they say.  And you’ve been outside! says my middle sister.  She’s jealous.  She wishes she didn’t go to church too. Why were you outside if you were ill?  More guilt.  They know.  They KNOW. 

I lied.  Guilt.  Overpowering guilt.  Not just any lie.  A lie to my parents.  A lie to get out of going to church.  A lie so that I didn’t have to worship God. 

They didn’t tell me off.  A sigh from my mum was enough.  I never did that again.  Instead I went to church every week.  Went to Sunday school with the children who all went to school together.  Did the colouring in and listened to the stories and sang songs and did the actions.

After that I was a good girl.

No more lying.

Ever.