I’m afraid of joy.
I have always been afraid of the vulnerability of joy, even at work. Don’t jinks something in-case it turns bad at work means we can’t use the Quiet word. At home that means I would try not to get too excited or if I felt really happy I would then feel that sharp pain of what if.
The foreboding joy comes from nowhere and hits me in the stomach, sometimes even at night. It wakes me and I wonder if someone is dead. They must be, I’m too happy.
I’ve learnt to lean in to joy and the vulnerability of joy through our blessings at work and counting my blessings at home. I try to stay with the joyous thought rather than the fear of something bad happening.
It’s not easy but has got much better with practice. At Aspire AP we go through the day looking for moments of joy and we call them Blessings at the end of every day. They are ordinary things that are heart-warming and build connection. We are all looking for and spotting joy in the ordinary.
At home I count my blessings and am grateful for the simple things and when I feel that fear ( oh my god something bad MUST be going to happen) I sit with it and tell myself to focus on the positive little things and my boys have gotten used to just sending me a thumbs up text to let me know they are well.
Without embracing the fear I would feel nothing and I want to feel all the joy I can.